When it comes to language, meaning varies with context. And whether you’re trying to understand others or make yourself understood, Tampa-based beauty Evil Opal believes it’s important to understand this context. Nobody has yet, to Her knowledge, written the official BDSM dictionary but the meanings and connotations of some of the words we use are commonly agreed upon. Understanding this kinky language is very helpful when you’re trying to figure out where you fit in, and even more so when you’re trying to find a partner to play with. According to Opal, knowing what you really want is vital, but being able to express it is equally important!
When it comes to ‘kink’ versus ‘BDSM’, Opal says that both may be described as ‘the scene’ and they’re often used interchangeably, but the kink scene is really a much bigger umbrella that BDSM clusters underneath, along with playfellows like furries and wet look enthusiasts. ‘Kink’ covers all our oddball erotic triggers; BDSM is just the whips-and-chains stuff. Except it’s not, says Opal. Not always, anyway. BDSM as an acronym includes several distinct concepts and as an example of kinky language, it’s an elegant packaging with multiple meanings, which She explains here:
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Bondage & Domination. This area of the kink universe involves – you guessed it – folks who like being tied up, chained, gagged, trapped in boxes, cages, and vacuum suction beds… you get the idea. And of course, the dominants who love to put their submissives in those predicaments. It’s an explicit power-play dynamic that relies largely on the stereotypical ‘dungeon’ aesthetic. But it doesn’t have to include things which cause actual pain (the chains, but not necessarily the whips, in other words).
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Sado-Masochism. S&M, on the other hand, covers the ‘whips’ part of ‘whips and chains’. S&M activities can be part of a power-exchange relationship, but they don’t have to be. Therefore, the pain-giver and the pain-receiver in this context are often referred to as ‘Tops’ and ‘bottoms’ rather than ‘Doms’ and ‘subs’. And there are lots of Tops and bottoms who aren’t into power exchange but who just love getting/giving a good beating.
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Domination & Submission. And finally, we have D/s, which is explicitly centered on the power exchange without necessarily having many – or any – of the stereotypical BDSM whips and chains elements. For instance, this is where you’ll find a sissy sub who loves to be enslaved and controlled, but who has little interest in being tied up or beaten.
According to Evil Opal, there’s been a growing recognition of differing interests in the BDSM scene. In kinky language terms this has led to the use of ‘D-type’ and ‘s-type’ as catch-all labels for the folks who do the tying up, spanking, etc. versus those who get tied up, spanked etc. And She says this is a good thing because there’s also been an explosion in the variety of micro-niche labels. With the advent of the internet, people now converge into groups and put names to their shared interests, such as findom, pet play, primal, etc. Opal won’t even try to list all of these in today’s blog, but She does want to mention a few of the old-school labels and their connotations.
For D-type women the classic role labels include Dominant (Domme), Mistress, Queen, and Goddess. Typical titles for the guys include Master, Lord, and Daddy. In Opal’s experience, She doesn’t recall a dominant who identifies as a man ever referring to himself as ‘Queen’ or ‘Goddess’ but it’s not uncommon to find women who prefer to be called ‘Daddy’ or ‘Master’. Again, these titles can be a strong indicator of the dominant’s personal style. Both are superior authority figures, but a Daddy is quite different than a Goddess!
For the s-types, classic labels include slave, submissive, bottom, and fetishist. In the common usage a bottom is someone who enjoys being on the receiving end of sado-masochistic play without necessarily wanting to surrender control at all. Opal explains that a fetishist is excited by shoes, rubber, or whatever, but has little desire to submit. A ‘submissive’ (AKA sub, subbie, subguy) on the other hand, wishes to surrender control to another, albeit temporarily and with limitations. And a ‘slave' is an s-type who wishes to surrender control 24/7/365, with no limits on what their dominant can command them to do.
These are often thought of as being part of a hierarchy, e.g. a fetishist or submissive is somehow less genuine than a ‘true’ slave. Evil Opal (and many others) thinks the notion of such a hierarchy is bullshit. Wanting to give up control does not make one person any better than someone who just wants to be spanked. What does matter is to understand, accept, and communicate your true desires to your partner. According to Opal, it’s crucial to understand that the language is not to be taken literally when using words as sex toys in BDSM. For instance, if She calls a guy ‘slave’ during a play scene, She says it doesn’t obligate either of them to a life of 24/7 power exchange… using that word is just a turn on, and that’s ok!
In Opal’s experience, BDSM language play often involves words which have strongly negative values out in the everyday world. Words like rape, abuse, and torture are huge erotic triggers for loads of people in the right context. And according to Opal, there’s the key – context is everything. Being called a worthless piece of shit by someone with whom you have a bond of trust, when you know it’s part of an erotic game between the two of you, is very different than having those words used in a vanilla context. This seems like such an obvious point to Her, but there are a great many people who appear unable to make this distinction, which very often leads to censorship and misunderstanding. No rational person considers actual rape, torture, or abuse to be acceptable, but under certain circumstances, quite a lot of people enjoy talking as if they do.
In Opal’s mind, a lot of the sexual power of kinky language comes from the appeal of the forbidden. Kinksters like to feel as if they’re transgressing social boundaries, even though they take special care to ensure there is safety and consent. Like so many things in BDSM, there’s pleasure in paradox. Understanding the paradoxical pleasure of kinky language is an important step to being able to express your own needs and desires. Wise words from a wise Woman! Want more? Click on any of the hot images below to get to Evil Opal’s website or click HERE to talk kinky with Her yourself!
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